A Slob's Guide to Getting Out Stains

What a mess.

This post is part of Repair Month, a series dedicated to taking better care of stuff instead of buying more of it. Join the discussion thread here.

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Last weekend, I sat on my friend’s couch and re-watched Hannibal Buress’ standup special from 2012. “Whenever I eat out at restaurants, I never put the napkin in my lap,” the comedian declares at one point. Why? “Because I believe in myself. I believe in my ability to not spill food on my pants because I’m a goddamn adult, and I’ve mastered the art of getting food from my plate to my mouth without messing up my jeans.”

“You need to believe in yourself, too, and get your life together,” he concludes. “That’s for babies.”

I wish I believed in myself, Hannibal, but I don’t. You’d think I’d be more careful with all my fancy-schmancy clothes, but I am devastatingly, irrevocably a slob. Maybe it’s because I enjoy the experience of eating and drinking and talking so much…. Gestures wildly with hands… That I miss my mouth so often. Maybe I’m just a fool. Whatever the reason, I’ve picked up a stain-removing trick or two over the years, and I thought I’d share them with you…