Guest Shopper: Allison P. Davis
Searching for bed sheets with New York's no. 1 sexpert.
Allison says this story is creepy, but I’m going to tell it to you anyway: I knew who she was and what her voice sounded like long before I met her. It was 2014, and I was a summer intern at New York magazine. Allison, who was a writer for the Cut at the time, often sent over audio of her interviews to be transcribed. Normally, I dreaded this type of grunt work. (I’d much rather note every single time someone grunted in an episode of Game of Thrones, which was an actual Vulture assignment.) But Allison’s interviews were FUN. Listening to them, I felt like a fly on the wall during a really good hang, and if you’ve read her writing, or hung out with her, as I have, along with Pauly D and Vinny from the Jersey Shore, you know what I’m talking about.
Allison P. Davis, as her byline reads, is the reason phrases like “big dick energy” and “vibe shift” took over your group chats. During the five years that we worked together, she became a master profiler (see: Lena Dunham, Meghan Markle, and my personal favorite, DJ Khaled’s baby) and a deeply relatable essayist on sex and dating. She’s also currently working on a book about horniness, out sometime next year, and is trying to revive erotic thrillers one TV gig at a time. I consider her to be New York’s no. 1 sexpert.
But where does New York’s no. 1 sexpert buy new bed sheets??
After texting me the above inquiry last month, we decided this was a job for Shop Rat. Allison has lived in the same apartment for 13 years and thinks it’s about time she gave her bed chamber a makeover. When I asked her why now, she sent me the following list of reasons:
Also, her intuitive psychic, Ruby, told her the same thing, so...
The caveat was that we had to find these new sheets in person, at an actual store, as opposed to online from Brooklinen or whatever. You’d think this would be easy, considering we live in the Big Apple and bed sheets are something you want to touch before you buy them. But let me tell you: it’s not. Where could we go that wasn’t the obvious West Elm or CB2??
I decided to start at Bloomingdale’s uptown, where we could see a lot of different options in one place and start to rule things out. “I don’t want this of-the-moment sloppy linen bedding or any cutesy graphic prints,” Allison told me as we walked around the sixth floor, where “Endless Love” by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross played over the loudspeakers. Instead, she wants “a sensual, overtly-adult fuckpad” that’s opulent and glamorous, and screams: ALLISON P. DAVIS SLEEPS HERE. (*NOT WORKS HERE.) “I want this to be the kind of bedding that suits a 37-year-old but also a 47-year-old,” she explained.
When we turned a corner and came across some gaudy Versace sheets, Allison’s eyes lit up. “I do find that my taste swings trashy, or ‘do you think you’re sleeping at a Hot Topic??’” she said. As a horny teen, she slept on leopard-print sheets from Ethan Allen and has been trying to replicate them ever since. But we agreed that leopard print was almost too obvious. The same goes for silk and satin sheets. We needed to find something with personality — “These sheets aren’t my style because they have no style; this could be my bed or [redacted straight man]’s bed,” Allison scoffed at the sight of a Parachute linen set — but not so much personality that she looks like Sandy, the founder of a brand called “Sin In Linen.”
Of course, the few sheets we gravitated towards in Bloomingdale’s turned out to be the most expensive in the entire store. I mean, who wouldn’t want a $5,000 Italian duvet? So it was a bust. Afterward, I took Allison for a $50 drink at La Grenouille, which I think boasts the most romantic dining room in New York. There, we got to talking about what a sexy grown-up bedroom looks like. As the restaurant proves, lighting is key. I also think small touches like blankets, throw pillows, and candles can make a big difference. Mirrors and fresh flowers can’t hurt, either.
In the spirit of being a Mature Woman Who Knows What She Likes, I took Allison further uptown to Schweitzer Linen for our next stop. This place has been around for over 50 years, and it shows. (Their animal-print sheets are called “Safari” and “Tanzania.”) But I figured the people here would really know what they’re talking about, and we desperately needed some guidance. On the day we went, they had all their Valentine’s Day sheets out, and I have to say, it was kind of a vibe!
While I started contemplating whether or not I needed my hand towels monogrammed and lace doily covers for my tissue boxes, Allison struck up a conversation with the shopkeep, who asked in a thick Eastern European accent if she wanted something “feminine or modern?”
Allison paused, then asked: “Can I be both?”
'“No,” the woman said.
Right. SO. “I want something feminine but not too girly,” Allison explained, trying to keep her on the line. “I want feminine but assertive.” The woman nodded. She pulled out some sheets with a black heart trim, which if you squint, also looks like snakes. “OOOOH!!!” we said, clapping our hands and jumping up and down.
We both loved the cold, black hearts but didn’t want to go overboard with them, so our new sheets friend showed us a matching set with a curly black trim to balance them out. “Playful,” she said with a shrug. PLAYFUL!!! Against all odds, we found the middle ground between feminine and modern.
Allison got the “Endless Love” (a sign!) shams and the “Joie de Loops” sheets and pillowcases. The trick will be layering them with the right black duvet and kinky accent pillows and blankets to make it more fuckpad, less Hamptons guestroom. (Plus a set of black monogrammed pajamas to wear while rolling around in her new perfect bed.) But I think it’s safe to say no one else in Brooklyn has these sheets. One day, Allison will get her $5,000 duvet. She just has to sell her erotic thriller first.
NEXT TIME: My February “Rat Diet.”