I've Identified My Ultimate Ick

I'm calling it a "flaccid tote."

Two summers ago, I was set up on a blind date with someone I’ll call Tote Bag Guy. I was shown a few photos of him beforehand, but he wasn’t on social media, and we had no friends in common. All I knew was his job, which interested me, and his face, which also interested me. Plus three people on this planet who could vouch for the fact that he wasn’t a serial killer.

Normally, I do a full CIA-level background check on someone before I even swipe right. But this blind date offer happened to find me at the right moment. My months-long fling with a Rockaways surfer had just ended, and I was feeling open-minded. So I said, sure. And then I got REALLY EXCITED.

Who was this person?? In photos, he seemed soft-spoken and gentle, like the kind of guy who would show up with chicken soup when you’re sick. But he also seemed strong and sturdy, like the kind of guy who could kill a chicken to make soup from scratch if I asked him to. My imagination ran wild, and, of course, I pictured the rest of our lives together. I also told every single person I knew that I was meeting him, and then THEY got really excited.

And then I met him.

Before going any further, I want to say up top that this person is great, and we had a very nice time together. I hope someone far less judgmental than I is showering them with love right now. But, reader, I knew within three seconds that this person was not right for me, and I’ll tell you why: They had a flaccid tote.

What is a flaccid tote, you ask? In its simplest form, a flaccid tote is a tote bag with little to nothing in it. I’m talking like, a wallet, keys, and maybe a pen. It’s weighed down at the bottom, and as a result, the whole thing just sort of collapses into itself. In my experience, flaccid totes are also often tissue-paper thin, wrinkled, and unwashed. The straps look like dirty spaghetti.

Much has been said about what your tote bag says about you. But these judgments often focus more on the logo or brand of the bag, which, believe it or not, I don’t really care about. I care more about what’s on the inside!!! (Of your tote bag.) I also think how you carry yourself is important, and a flaccid tote indicates to me that you’re not thinking about this at all.

When I saw the flaccid tote, my heart sank. This person was not the man of my dreams. I entertained for about an hour that perhaps I was being too harsh. I listened. I laughed. I really tried!!! But when we got up to leave the bar, and he draped that sad little sack over his shoulder, I thought: Nope. Finito.

We never saw each other again, but I think about him and his flaccid tote often. Recently, while doing a routine Hinge background check, I found a photo of a guy I was scheduled to go on a date with where I could see the strap of a tote over his shoulder. I was triggered, and my friend had to talk me off a ledge…

Thankfully, this person showed up to our first date with no tote at all. (Big pockets!) But when he walked me home, he did say he was nervous to meet me because of my job, which is apparently being an asshole. What if he wore the wrong thing? I assured him I wasn’t *that* judgemental. (Lie.) But that I did have this one little thing I kind of sort of REALLY HATE. So I told him. I said if you want to go on a date with me again, come with a full bag.

To me, this was a happy ending and an important lesson in dating communication. Tell people exactly what you want. And that flaccid totes are not it.